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Relationships; Parents & Children
One could write a book a on this topic alone and still not cover all aspects of what is a very complexed and potentially very difficult relationship. I do not want to write a book as many more qualified people than I have already so but I don't think I can write on the topic of child to adult transition and not say something on about the relationship between parents and children
Sisideas
Sisideas
Responsibility Lead by Instinct
Without doubt the single most "responsible" and momentous action we can take in our lives is that of having a child. We possible, are not always aware of it being as such, on account of procreation being a natural part of our instinctual nature and as such, in-spite of the consequential importance of having a child, it is one for which we need no previous experience or qualification. So to some extent we can all be said to be amateurs, allowing our instincts to take over. By and large the instinctual nurturing care and protection that all nurturing mammals have, equips us well in the raising of our children. However as humans, (as opposed to other animals) the complexities that relate to the development of an intellectual, abstract thinking mind of a human off spring, requires additional input to allow an individual to assimilate into a very complex social structure. Human offspring are more complicated to raise due to their intellectual capabilities: In short I am suggesting that the later development of the mind (of our children) may not be "covered" by the "instinctual nurturing"
So what happens?
I am only going to out line a two specific issues that I feel are of particular importance:
Fears and Expectations.
Fears
Quite naturally every parent has fears and anxieties for their children. The instinct of wanting to protect them whether it is from the the perceived dangers from the external world or from a lack of belief that a child will make good decisions: Physical accidents of so many possibilities, drink, drugs, crime either as a victim or a perpetrator, teenage pregnancy, getting in with a bad crowd; there are so many things that parents can be anxious about.
Expectations
Again, quite naturally every parent would want the best for their children; to get on well at school and achieve their full potential. Perhaps even to do better than the parents themselves did, that in the long term the child can get a well paid job and be successful.
In themselves, both of these qualities are very understandable and even laudable as they reflect the instinctual qualities of loving care. However, where as, in their infancy children needed the nurturing control of benevolent discipline as supplied by instinct, with age, the nature of our children's nurturing needs, change. I think every parent at some point says "they grow up so quickly... it only seems like yesterday I was ..." We tend to remember those early moments of our children in their infancy, total dependent on us for their every need and before you know it their knocking at the door of their teenage years. In many ways parents can feel more anxious for there children at this time as they begin to go out into the big bad world.
Some of the pit-falls that can happen with in the relationship of a child and adult relates to a lack of cognisance being taken to the changing needs of children as they grow older. The roll of parents should change correspondingly as the child's needs change with age. There should be a progressive change in emphasis from the controlled nurture, accentual in child hood to an advising friendship in the teenage years.
What can go wrong?
Well in short, the relationship between parents and children can break down. It is mostly caused by a lack of communication: "What I said, what you heard, what I meant to say". Sometimes, when driven by strong emotional passions, the manner and substance of what we say may not convey the true emotional motivation of what we feel: ones passionate concerns of protection may end up coming out as constant "nagging" and rather than being heard as "love motivated concern" comes across to the recipient as disapproval. It is some-what ironic that the worries and anxieties of parents, which can be seen to emanate from loving concern, should sometimes be heard by our children as some thing other than love. Overly strict controlling parents can be seen from the child's point of view, not as loving concern but as a lack of faith and trust in the child which can lead to an erosion of the child's self-esteem. The result might be a lost of confidence and withdrawal or conversely as reaction by being rebellious and confrontational. It is tragically so easy, for parents to unwittingly corrupt there nurturing love (in the eyes of our children) to its antithesis: dominating control. The subsequent reactionary behaviour from the children, is in turn misread by parents as belligerent wilful reaction and the hole relationship can spiral into a morass of battling egos. Similarly expectations can also put a lot of pressure on children to achieve but that can end up, in them "hearing" that they are only acceptable/loveable when they are achieving the expectations of their parents: a form of conditional love. Even if a child dose live up to the expectations, they can be left believing that to be loved they must be or do something to earn it. And for those that fail to achieve their parents expectations they are left feeling unlovable failures. but the answer to these problems is, on paper at lest, remarkably simple.
Trust your children with who you are
As I suggested at the beginning of this piece of writing the nature of our relationship needs to change as our children develop.
So what happens?
I am only going to out line a two specific issues that I feel are of particular importance:
Fears and Expectations.
Fears
Quite naturally every parent has fears and anxieties for their children. The instinct of wanting to protect them whether it is from the the perceived dangers from the external world or from a lack of belief that a child will make good decisions: Physical accidents of so many possibilities, drink, drugs, crime either as a victim or a perpetrator, teenage pregnancy, getting in with a bad crowd; there are so many things that parents can be anxious about.
Expectations
Again, quite naturally every parent would want the best for their children; to get on well at school and achieve their full potential. Perhaps even to do better than the parents themselves did, that in the long term the child can get a well paid job and be successful.
In themselves, both of these qualities are very understandable and even laudable as they reflect the instinctual qualities of loving care. However, where as, in their infancy children needed the nurturing control of benevolent discipline as supplied by instinct, with age, the nature of our children's nurturing needs, change. I think every parent at some point says "they grow up so quickly... it only seems like yesterday I was ..." We tend to remember those early moments of our children in their infancy, total dependent on us for their every need and before you know it their knocking at the door of their teenage years. In many ways parents can feel more anxious for there children at this time as they begin to go out into the big bad world.
Some of the pit-falls that can happen with in the relationship of a child and adult relates to a lack of cognisance being taken to the changing needs of children as they grow older. The roll of parents should change correspondingly as the child's needs change with age. There should be a progressive change in emphasis from the controlled nurture, accentual in child hood to an advising friendship in the teenage years.
What can go wrong?
Well in short, the relationship between parents and children can break down. It is mostly caused by a lack of communication: "What I said, what you heard, what I meant to say". Sometimes, when driven by strong emotional passions, the manner and substance of what we say may not convey the true emotional motivation of what we feel: ones passionate concerns of protection may end up coming out as constant "nagging" and rather than being heard as "love motivated concern" comes across to the recipient as disapproval. It is some-what ironic that the worries and anxieties of parents, which can be seen to emanate from loving concern, should sometimes be heard by our children as some thing other than love. Overly strict controlling parents can be seen from the child's point of view, not as loving concern but as a lack of faith and trust in the child which can lead to an erosion of the child's self-esteem. The result might be a lost of confidence and withdrawal or conversely as reaction by being rebellious and confrontational. It is tragically so easy, for parents to unwittingly corrupt there nurturing love (in the eyes of our children) to its antithesis: dominating control. The subsequent reactionary behaviour from the children, is in turn misread by parents as belligerent wilful reaction and the hole relationship can spiral into a morass of battling egos. Similarly expectations can also put a lot of pressure on children to achieve but that can end up, in them "hearing" that they are only acceptable/loveable when they are achieving the expectations of their parents: a form of conditional love. Even if a child dose live up to the expectations, they can be left believing that to be loved they must be or do something to earn it. And for those that fail to achieve their parents expectations they are left feeling unlovable failures. but the answer to these problems is, on paper at lest, remarkably simple.
Trust your children with who you are
As I suggested at the beginning of this piece of writing the nature of our relationship needs to change as our children develop.
Butterfly Relationship
The above diagram shows two overlapping triangles, where the blue triangle on the left represents controlled nurture necessary in child hood. The red triangle on the right represents the influence of friendship and advise and at the top, the figures suggest approximate age where a child/parent should be, as friendship takes over from control.
starting at around 5 being at an equal balance at 10 by the time a youth gets to 15/16 they are for all intents and purposes there own masters.
Now before I hear howls of protestation at the ages I am suggesting, let me first explain three important aspects of my "butterfly" relationship:
1) Maintaining a relationship.
2) An understanding of just how difficult it can be for parents to trust there children with their thoughts and feelings.
3) the real and most important aspect: emotional and intellectual nurture.
Maintaining the relationship
I have nick-named this the butterfly relationship not only because my diagram reminds me of one but more importantly the relationship between parents and children is potentially as fragile as keeping a butterfly. Although many children like to give off an air invulnerability that fact is that they can so easily be hurt and disappointed. All children want and need to be loved and wanted and no more so than by their parents. So the slightest of careless quips, however unintentional can "brush the dust" from of there wings. As we will see later, (in the third part of this writing) this is the time when children begin to sort out the complexity of their emotional feelings and because of that can be very sensitive, sometime over reacting to what parents see as the smallest of issues. What in my opinion is paramount in all of this is that parents maintain a good working relationship. Avoid aggressive confrontation like the plague, the chances are that aggression will, before long be met with aggression or conversely they will just end up being frightened of you. This is not to say that one should not challenge or communicate unacceptable behaviour but rather that it should be done from the perspective of firstly: understanding their perspective and then explaining calmly and clearly your feelings and emotions on the subject in question. I know its all very well me talking in such highfalutin terms when in the heat of a moment one can be so full of anger and frustration that all one wants to do is vent it. But the fact is the better your relationship is with ones child the more likely one is to have an influence on what they think; a child that has little respect or trust in some one is very unlikely to listen to what they have to say. Which brings me to my second point:
An understanding of just how difficult it can be for parents to trust there children with their thoughts and feelings.
The more I think about the relationship between a parent and child the more I am amazed by the complexity of the psychology. On the one hand, in a child's earlier formative years, the nature of the relationship is by necessity one total dominance: dominance in as much as all behaviour that is deemed to require controlling is done so without reference to the child as on the hole it will lack the intellect to understand a rational explanation and secondly for its own development a child requires a set of well defined consistent boundaries not just for its safety but as psychological security. From an animal instinctual point of view this sets up a hierarchical relationship of dominance and subordination. With in many other mammals this hierarchy is maintained and perpetuated into adult hood. This is particularly true for developing males that may in time represent a threat to the alpha male of a troop or pack. Now I'm not an animal psychologist nor do I know the extent to which man kind shares the behavioural trates of other animals but I am just considering that there may be a natural reticence for parents to relinquish this hierarchical superiority to there off spring. in short "letting go" at many levels can be difficult. However in many ways what I am suggesting is do exactly that: by trusting our children with our feelings and emotions and explaining our fears and insecurities, in doing this we achieve so much more than just keeping a good relationship but it is relinquishing a parents status with in a hierarchical structure by revealing ones vulnerability.
The real and most important aspect: emotional and intellectual nurture.
During our teenage years we go through much of our emotional development. As adults we tend forget, what was at the time the very traumatic learning curves of our adolescent experiences. It is my belief that in sharing our feelings and emotions and explaining our fears and insecurities with our children we can help them to understand their feelings: to help them understand there humanity, giving them legitimacy to their divers emotions. Of cores it also has the added benefit of helping them to understand a parental viewpoint and consequently the relationship. With in much of our society it is not seen as "cool" to show and share with others what is perceived as weaknesses and so for many parents sharing their feeling with anyone would be difficult let-alone ones children further more some may not be aware of their feelings themselves.
Although the age scales on my butterfly diagram may seem very young I do believe that a progressive and sensible revelation of who we, (parents) are as human begins would be of enormous benefit to the maturation of our children. If done sensibly from an early age our children will be more that ready to make the world its apple.
starting at around 5 being at an equal balance at 10 by the time a youth gets to 15/16 they are for all intents and purposes there own masters.
Now before I hear howls of protestation at the ages I am suggesting, let me first explain three important aspects of my "butterfly" relationship:
1) Maintaining a relationship.
2) An understanding of just how difficult it can be for parents to trust there children with their thoughts and feelings.
3) the real and most important aspect: emotional and intellectual nurture.
Maintaining the relationship
I have nick-named this the butterfly relationship not only because my diagram reminds me of one but more importantly the relationship between parents and children is potentially as fragile as keeping a butterfly. Although many children like to give off an air invulnerability that fact is that they can so easily be hurt and disappointed. All children want and need to be loved and wanted and no more so than by their parents. So the slightest of careless quips, however unintentional can "brush the dust" from of there wings. As we will see later, (in the third part of this writing) this is the time when children begin to sort out the complexity of their emotional feelings and because of that can be very sensitive, sometime over reacting to what parents see as the smallest of issues. What in my opinion is paramount in all of this is that parents maintain a good working relationship. Avoid aggressive confrontation like the plague, the chances are that aggression will, before long be met with aggression or conversely they will just end up being frightened of you. This is not to say that one should not challenge or communicate unacceptable behaviour but rather that it should be done from the perspective of firstly: understanding their perspective and then explaining calmly and clearly your feelings and emotions on the subject in question. I know its all very well me talking in such highfalutin terms when in the heat of a moment one can be so full of anger and frustration that all one wants to do is vent it. But the fact is the better your relationship is with ones child the more likely one is to have an influence on what they think; a child that has little respect or trust in some one is very unlikely to listen to what they have to say. Which brings me to my second point:
An understanding of just how difficult it can be for parents to trust there children with their thoughts and feelings.
The more I think about the relationship between a parent and child the more I am amazed by the complexity of the psychology. On the one hand, in a child's earlier formative years, the nature of the relationship is by necessity one total dominance: dominance in as much as all behaviour that is deemed to require controlling is done so without reference to the child as on the hole it will lack the intellect to understand a rational explanation and secondly for its own development a child requires a set of well defined consistent boundaries not just for its safety but as psychological security. From an animal instinctual point of view this sets up a hierarchical relationship of dominance and subordination. With in many other mammals this hierarchy is maintained and perpetuated into adult hood. This is particularly true for developing males that may in time represent a threat to the alpha male of a troop or pack. Now I'm not an animal psychologist nor do I know the extent to which man kind shares the behavioural trates of other animals but I am just considering that there may be a natural reticence for parents to relinquish this hierarchical superiority to there off spring. in short "letting go" at many levels can be difficult. However in many ways what I am suggesting is do exactly that: by trusting our children with our feelings and emotions and explaining our fears and insecurities, in doing this we achieve so much more than just keeping a good relationship but it is relinquishing a parents status with in a hierarchical structure by revealing ones vulnerability.
The real and most important aspect: emotional and intellectual nurture.
During our teenage years we go through much of our emotional development. As adults we tend forget, what was at the time the very traumatic learning curves of our adolescent experiences. It is my belief that in sharing our feelings and emotions and explaining our fears and insecurities with our children we can help them to understand their feelings: to help them understand there humanity, giving them legitimacy to their divers emotions. Of cores it also has the added benefit of helping them to understand a parental viewpoint and consequently the relationship. With in much of our society it is not seen as "cool" to show and share with others what is perceived as weaknesses and so for many parents sharing their feeling with anyone would be difficult let-alone ones children further more some may not be aware of their feelings themselves.
Although the age scales on my butterfly diagram may seem very young I do believe that a progressive and sensible revelation of who we, (parents) are as human begins would be of enormous benefit to the maturation of our children. If done sensibly from an early age our children will be more that ready to make the world its apple.